“man is least himself when he talks in his own person. ..
give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.” ~oscar wilde
I’ve been feeling a little down lately, very sad inside, with no apparent explanation to the cause. I chalked it up to the wisdom of life that says, sometimes the soul just weeps. And that is exactly what it feels like. It feels like it is raining on the inside, from a cold and hollow spot. Being a person of strong faith, I know the source, wherein my true joy lies, but I am an earthly human being and sometimes you just get an unexplainable sadness. Even David, the psalmist, the known biblical “singer of songs” felt it…when he cries out to God in Psalms 119:28 “My soul is wasted with sorrow; give me strength again, in keeping with your word”
It’s times like these, that I’ve learned to encourage myself that,”this too shall pass“, and the sun will come out again, eventually.
Maybe one goes through times like these to become more understanding of others when they are in the same situation. It is hard for someone like me, to just be quiet with someone, just be there silently for them. I am a very positive and enthusiastic person and the counselor in me always feels a need to encourage someone with a word of advice, a word of any kind. I need to be quiet. I need to learn that it is enough, to just be there with them and hold their hand quietly, without ever speaking a word.
So to “heal myself” from my present state of despair..I started soul searching, especially when others close to me kept asking, “what is wrong?, come on you can tell me”. No I can’t, because if I knew, I would tell you, I recently replied, somewhat annoyed,..annoyed, because it seemed to me that, that was far too simple a question to ask of someone who is trying to deal with such a complex range of emotions. Emotions that they could not so easily put into words. The person asking was only being considerate and kind. My annoyance was not justified, neither was my short response. I was just a little to vague and snippy ..oh well, just chalk it up to one more unexplained emotional response, I thought to myself, you are just an emotional basket case right now, maybe it’s hormonal, I thought. Who knows?
Then I saw my mother, over Easter..and the usual pleasantries were shared..so how are you..and what have you been up to?..and I decided this once, to be socially unacceptable and honestly real and say cheerfully ”actually I’ve been depressed lately and I don’t know why.” “What’s the matter? she asked?, genuinely concerned.” ..”I don’t know, that’s the problem.”.. I replied with the kind of cheerful response and smile you reserve for your parents, so as to spare them any unnecessary worry. But my eyes were misting tears that my soul could no longer contain, and I was trying hard not to show it. Then she said the magic words.. “You’re not happy are you? You are masking..I thought so, I’ve thought so for a while that..that may be the true case.” God bless mothers, everywhere. They have a gentle knowing that only God can give a mother for their child.
“I am masking”? I thought to myself , yeah, I am masking. Big time.
Those words stuck with me. If you knew me you would know that I am one to always tell myself to;”look beyond the details and clutter that are in front of you..open your eyes to the patterns that emerge behind all the stuff..look at that which is in the distance ..it is there that you will see patterns that form the big picture, this enlightenment focuses your direction, clarifies your vision, sparks your creativity and gives you discernment and insight toward problem resolution.
That is me.. that is how I process, but it’s easier for me to see the obvious and beyond in others, or in other situations, than it is to see the obvious about myself. I think it is wisely referred to as “wearing blinders”, something that we’ve all done, I’m sure, on at least one occasion.
One thing I do know about myself, which seemed minor, even frivolous until now, is that I am a creative thinker that likes to play with graphics. I get excited when I can find just the right picture to convey a message or thought. I wished I had tried my hand earlier in life, in the field of advertising. I think I may have been good at it.
Today I started looking at some profiles that I had created recently of myself, profiles that attempted to explain who I am , and what I liked, as a person. As I reread them today I began to see a pattern emerge… why did I use so many pictures of people wearing masks to communicate my thoughts? At the time that I selected them, I thought it was for their “artsy” appeal and I honestly felt they represented my given thoughts. But why masks? and why masks to reflect my thoughts? and why so many?
Then I found this simple poem that I had written many years ago, during a particularly sad time in my life. I chose a mime graphic to go with that poem, hmm I thought, a mime, someone sadly painted (masked) that cannot even speak…interesting.
Perchance
Her step is light, her lilt is gay, but an aura of sadness gives her away.
Behind dancing eyes, lies a sadness untold. Felt deep within, forever to hold.
She laughs with the crowd and oft leads the way…yet no one would guess
that the sadness remains.
She can’t define it, can’t call it by name,
but yet it lingers and remains,
all the same.
What is its cure…is it love…is it faith?
Perhaps it is both…but how
can one say?
A sadness so veiled, is not so easily effaced.
So she continues with life, with a step and a dance
….and prays for the happiness to find her perchance.
~jtom 04/10/1986
Then it hit me. I mask when I am not happy. I mask to spare others, my true sadness, I mask so that when I’m veiled I can speak freely of the things of my heart. It is like putting yourself “in a safe place” when feeling emotionally vulnerable. Like being at a wild masquerade party (something I’ve always wanted to do) you can truly “act out” all your emotions safely, your passions, your joys, your sorrows, and you are free from the risk of being exposed.
Look at the crazy comedian, Jim Carrey, in the movie, The Mask. Carrey, plays a split role: mild-mannered Stanley Ipkiss and his superhuman alter-ego, the Mask. Stanley is a shy, unassuming man who works in a bank and lives with Milo in a small apartment, after finding a curious-looking mask floating amidst some debris in a river, he later trys it on, and quickly learns that this isn’t some archeological curiosity. The mask has power – the power to transform. From the moment the mask clings to his skin and his face turns green, Stanley’s personality undergoes a radical shift. Insecurity is replaced by flamboyance.
Ahh…the masque (my mask) and it’s mystique is quite alluring, and you like (I like) the feeling that you can be so free, and that no one knows your true identity.. the real you.
Just as a simple experiment, and a challenge, if you want some instant heated passion in your love life, try wearing a mask while lovemaking…or better yet, place one on your partner….I’ve done it and I’ve enjoyed it..it is innocently kinky enough..I keep a small black Zorro mask in my night stand drawer, to this day, and it’s no wonder, I now realize, I am always masking. I have a conservative/ nice girl/wild crazy girl/mixed up/crazy like, Jim Carrey thing going on in my bent psyche.
So what does this revelation of myself prove? I don’t know. I’m not sure it proves anything. It probably would make for great discussion on some therapist couch. Maybe it’s enough right now, for me to realize and acknowledge to myself that I am masking, and save for later the explorations and explanations as to why I do so. Maybe there are others out there, who need to need to hear this, because they are going through something similar in their own lives..I don’t know.
People I’m sure mask for different reasons, mine is not for destructive purposes or to purposefully deceive. (like a bank robber would wear a mask) as best I can tell , mine is to shield myself from my true feelings and to likewise, protect others from those feelings …(like superman..doing good things and protecting his true identity) I only hope it does not become self destructive in the end. Right now I think I will keep my mask on, because it feels good, it feels safe…I’ll keep it on a while longer, if only temporarily until I slip it off again, just briefly, and risk occasionally, giving you another glimpse of the real me. I just hope it doesn’t scare you, or me. ~jtom
Please contact me. Your sister-in-law patty